It's time I come clean: It's not working, this not blogging thing. In fact it's having the reverse effect. I'm actually writing less than I was before. So I've started sneaking in posts here and there. And I've tried to pretend like they don't count because mostly they've been fictional. But they do. They count.

I've also had pretty regular bouts of Tumblritis. Tumblr is so great. Because you don't have to think too much or be funny or smart or, you know, write too good or nothin'. You just find something, and post it. Or you re-post something somebody else has found with a few of your own words. And there's this community that springs out of it. And thankfully, it's one not built on commenting (which, let's face it, often comes across as sycophantic pandering or mindless snark) but instead out of a kind of shared interest with greater accountability.

So yeah...the sneaky posts...the Tumblring. What it amounts to is this: I've been cheating. I've broken the promise I made back in June. To myself. To ya'll. I'm not sorry, though. In fact, I'm glad to do it. Because the decision to stop was misguided to begin with. And so in breaking the promise, it turns out I'm actually saving myself. From self-denial. From self-punishment. In going through this little exercise of non-blogging, I've learned something about myself. I've learned there can be good in it. And that I shouldn't kick myself over it.

Wait, who am I kidding? Kicking myself is the whole goddamned point! And now I've got some good boots with which to do it.

Just to be clear, I still think ending my old blog was a good idea. I had moved on from that voice. It actually happened about a year prior to my ending it. I think the move to New Jersey had a lot to do with it. I started the Moses Chronicles. And the blog became something other than it had been. And I just didn't have the common sense to realize what needed to be done.

One day, ending this blog will be a good idea, too. But for now, I guess I've got some things to do here. I want to sometimes step in with my own voice, because I'll be honest, I've got some pent-up rants I need to vent. But also I want to establish some other narrative voices with different story arcs. I'm going to try to make this less confusing by listing these narrators in this section called The Players. This will probably evolve over time.

Ultimately, I'm hoping by exploring whatever it is I need to explore here, it'll help get me back on track. On track for what, I'm still not sure. Maybe this is the end in itself. Maybe this is all there is. I hope not, but who knows. The worst that can happen is I'll have another big collection of writings I can look at down the road and wonder: Who the hell is this guy? Because I really don't recognize myself in him anymore. And wow, that's kind of strange and fascinating and cool.

Category: Nada