Masthead

And Now, The Honey and Chubby Show, Winter Edition

Chubby the dog is staying at our house for the week because Chubby's parents are on a ski-trip in Colorado. C and I love when Chubby visits. This statement might sound perverted or weird or gross if you didn't know that Chubby was a dog, which is why I felt obligated to make clear of said doggy-ness in the first sentence. Chubby is an unfortunate name for this dog because, first of all, Chubby is really not. Also, it sounds like something you'd call a boy, and Chubby is a girl. But this is what happens when 5-year-olds name dogs. And Chubby doesn't seem to have any issues with her name, so why should we?

More than any of us, Honey loves when Chubby visits. They are really in love these two. They play non-stop. And kiss and lick. In the morning, they are at their most crazy. They roll on the bedroom floor and make groaning noises like little monsters. And so I get up with them and we go outside in the cool dawn air which feels more and more like spring these days, thank God. And they begin their morning running and playing and sniffing and pooping. And I stand there for a moment in that silence specked with bird chirps and woodpecker knocks. And eventually I go back inside and make coffee and watch them run around from the window. And I like to stand there and imagine how these interactions go. I thought I'd share some of these with you. I've uploaded some pictures to enhance the experience.

[Honey and Chubby sniffing the air. Honey freezes. Ears up. Tail up.]

Honey: "Did you smell that?"

Chubby: "Smell what?"

[There is stillness. Both looking around and sniffing the air ....]

Honey: "Psyche! Ha-ha! I will now pounce on you!"

Chubby: "Oh, shit! Honey!"

[Wrestling and biting ensue...break time...some sniffing]

Chubby: "Ha! I will now bite your face!"

Honey: "Dammit! Stop biting my face..."

Chubby: "Oh sorry. Did that hurt? I only do it because I love you so much.."

Honey: "I love you too. And actually, I love it when you bite my face. Here do it some more."

[More biting. Then break time. More sniffing. Honey squats and pees.]

Honey: "Look—I just peed in this spot."

Chubby: "Nice! I will pee in that spot, too."

Honey: "Dammit. You're always peeing in my spots!"

Chubby: "Yeah? So?"

[Stillness. Stare-down.]

Honey: "Now I must pounce on you again!"

Chubby: "Oh shit! I will bite your face!"

Honey: "Stop biting my face! Okay do it some more!"

Chubby: "I love you!"

Honey: "I love you too!"

[Wrestling and biting ensue...]

Chubby: "Hey! Let's run!"

Honey: "Wha-? Wait! Where are-! Why are we running?"

Chubby: "I don't know! Just run!"

Honey: "Okay!!"

Chubby: "Now I will bite your face!"

Honey: "Dammit. Stop biting my face! Okay, now bite it again! I love you!"

Chubby: "I love you, too!"

[Wrestling and biting continue...then Chubby vanishes behind shed. ]

Honey: "Where did you go?"

Chubby: "I'm over here, eh."

Honey: "Where?"

[Chubby runs out from behind shed.]

Chubby: "Here!! Ahhhhhh-ha-ha-ha!!!! Let's run!!!"

Honey: "Ahhhh!!! You scared the shit out of me! Why are we running?!"

Chubby: "Run! Run! Run!"

[Honey stops suddenly. Her ears perk up.]

Honey: "Did you hear that?"

[Chubby stops.]

Chubby: "Hear what?"

Honey: "I think it was an intruder. Or a squirrel."

Chubby: "I hate intruders! And I hate squirrels! I really hate intruder squirrels!! Where wha-...Hey, wait a minute! I'm not falling for this again!"

Honey: "No, really. Listen."

[Silence...stillness...]

Chubby: "But I don't hear any-!"

Honey: "Psyche! I will now pounce on you!"

Chubby: "Dammit, I knew it...you hoser!"

(In my imagination, Honey and Chubby talk like Canadians.)

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